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Despite Yourself

by Harddisco

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1.
so all the girls you know wilfully exclude you cos you're not capable of amusing them but please don't worry cos their friendship's not worth anything you never need fear that you're boring me and when your friends are ranged against you and they arrange themselves far from you and they leave you in the corner and they sneer recognise that their cruelty's cos they're too scared to be different realise that they're the ones in fear i see your suffering, and wish that it would cease that from all anguish, even death, you'd be released. i see your anger, and feel that it hides fear if i can help you then i will, i hope that's clear so all the girls you know are ridiculing you cos you won't fling yourself into the arms of any boy but think how pitiful their boasting of their conquests is you're wise to wait patiently for love and when your friends are ranged against you and they arrange themselves far from you and they leave you in the corner and they sneer recognise that their cruelty's cos they're too scared to be different realise that they're the ones in fear i see your suffering...
2.
my past is so impersonal, a remote mystery i can't believe those far off things happened to me unreal if not untrue is how i view my memory i feel my former life was lived by someone else, not me and who am i really, my ego is so weak in company with different ones i change the way i speak for insecurity has twisted and defeated me annihilated, camouflaged my personality for i'm a happy child in truth, yet known for misery i love to laugh, yet circumstances crush that usually i like to lead, be prominent, yet insecurity ensures that i remain in vile servility and am i quiet and shy by nature? certainly not so observe me with my friends, extroverted, how i glow yet company that i'm relaxed in is so seldom found that usually i cower, and my humour runs aground the world that i existed in was carefully contrived that vulnerable ones would not be able to survive and, turning from the world rejected, would embrace despair and see in all contentedness the lie existing there so all the things i turned to for refuge and relief moulded my mind until i firmly believed that misery was the truth, the right and the good contentedness existed among morons and who am i really,...
3.
i loathe myself so utterly for what i'm doing to you spending time with you cannot be anything but cruel you feel now more intensely than you ever will again and i flaunt myself before you and refuse to ease your pain how i loathe your silly schoolfriends, despicable fools gauging our friendship by their stupid petty rules they've been deceived so thoroughly as to what life means forsaking love and trust for what is merely obscene i'm too abnormal for someone to like me casually no—one could endure my chronic insecurity unless they saw and loved the boy i usually hide and genuinely needed something that i could provide so i know that your affection for me is sincere and it's something i return, for i really hold you dear but i hold you at arm's length cause you don't share my way of life into the earth's future i would like to lead my wife
4.
i'm not a glamorous young man, of that i am quite sure but in my barest honesty, you love we all the more the very facts about myself that fill most with dismay are what attract you to we in a rare and special way yet though we're so compatible i cannot always feel that the love i have for you is absolutely real sometimes when we are together i can only see a beautiful stranger with an unaccountable fondness for we for the truth's the greatest barrier that ever will exist and not unless you cross it will our problems desist the truth's also the greatest unifying force can bind us together without hardship or remorse when usually, of my fears and doubts i dare not speak your compassion means i need not be ashamed that i am weak when i'm frank about myself, young ladies start to flee so what a valuable companion you must surely be yet though we're so compatible i cannot always feel that the love i have for you is absolutely real sometimes when we are together i can only see a beautiful stranger with an unaccountable fondness for we for the truth's the greatest barrier that ever will exist and not unless you cross it will our problems desist the truth's also the greatest unifying force can bind us together without hardship or remorse
5.
i want the world to die, to burn in fire and pass away i feel the and is closer now, could happen any day the vileness covering our earth is screaming to be cleansed and all who obstruct justice will then meet their bitter end filth upon the ground there is, our air and water grey poison even on the food we eat from day to day the beauty of our land has been sadistically scarred but those who've ruined, past and present, from the future will be barred i want the world to die, to see the and of bitter greed the eagerness to out men down, and rob them in their need to rid the world of the evil of competition of men who laugh in triumph at their friend's humiliation filth upon the ground there is, our air and water grey poison even on the food we eat from day to day the beauty of our land has been sadistically scarred but those who've ruined, past and present, from the future will be barred
6.
i know it's hard to love me, that there's not much to admire little to be proud of, or to prove my birth worthwhile i know, as dying humans, that your primary task is to produce useful children, and in their success bask but i don't want to succeed in this cruel and ugly world to devote myself productively would just be too absurd for even if the anguish didn't make that life a lie all that i accomplished couldn't save we when i died so please do not assault we if i choose not to seek fame the way to such success would be a bitter, soulless game and please see the worthlessness of chasing after wealth the life that i have chosen will preserve my mental health i know i've produced little, earned less, refused to work all the things you value i wilfully have shirked the chance my only talent offers me, i have defied i'm wasting it, that i can live a life governed by 'lies'. i do not wish to struggle, to accept a life of toil when all that living can achieve, eventual death will spoil it hurts we to hear you say that life must be this tough wish that you'd examine this, and find it's not enough so please do not assault me... i know it's hard to love me, but i know that you have tried although i've done so very little you can view with pride and though i wail and whine of your insensitivity i know that you have always done your very best for me
7.
Feb '92 04:58
instrumental
8.
i love you for your capacity to feel pain how frequently you feel lost and alone over fear in empathy we thus may reign with mutual protection as our throne i love you, because when you're under stress you target we with your uneasiness though vulnerable, i know i need not fear your fierceness just makes your affection clear you smile when you look at me in tender, helpless exasperation at my imbecility and laugh, despite yourself, because you love me i'm not deterred when you feel distant from me though i don't want you alone and afraid i'm not intimidated by your complexity although you're hard to understand and aid i love you for how agitated you become whenever you're forced to share me with someone it manifests your emotional intensity and makes you oh so beautiful to me you smile when you look at me in tender, helpless exasperation at my imbecility and laugh, despite yourself, because you love me

about

this is my second album and still suffers in terms of sound quality, due to me overboosting bass and treble at recording and mixdown (in the 80s, that was what we did when listening to music)

It has been remastered to remove much of the harshness. although markedly not professional quality, there are some tracks worth hearing, and maybe even owning, particularly the first and last.

by the way, the cover is supposed to represent the dark tunnel of adolescence, from whence i had not yet emerged in my early 20s.

credits

released February 15, 1993

written and produced by harddisco, under my earlier artist name 'the value of suffering.'

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all rights reserved

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about

Harddisco Rugby, UK

harddisco - not hard disco style music. i have been calling myself harddisco since 1998. harddisco is simply a pun on 'hard disk', which was my new recording medium back then.

available on www.harddisco.co.uk, with lyrics in full.
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